I’m not sure what it is. Be it the howling winds, the fresh cut wood, the time spent alone like a wolf contemplating so much. Is it the way I’ve started over ? the way I’ve lost so much and very very slowly gaining some back. I’m not sure.
I was never great at hard work. I’m not good with outdoor labour or with mathematics, or with twelve hour shifts. Iv’e never had to be. I grew up in a home where my dad is a self- made man and taught me about culture, about having the right attitude and about enjoying life. He always made sure he supported everything I did and always had a buck in my pocket, “just incase” he’d say.
I admire those who alike my dad work so hard to feed , clothe , gift, and care for thier families. I admire those who know the ethics of what hard work is. To me it’s all relative really. I consider myself a hard worker within my music, within my art, my discipline to my work. There were moments in life where I challenged myself to believe that because I wasn’t working long shifts through an establishment, or because I wasn’t lifting heavy things, sweating, muscles hurting I wasn’t amounting to much. Lately through recovery and therapy ( going inside, meditating, self-refleting) I’ve had a realization. I HAVE SWEAT, I HAVE HAD PAIN IN MY MUSCLES,..IN MY EMOTIONS, I HAVE WORKED LONG SHIFTS (SOMETIMES WEEKS ON END WITHOUT SLEEP) I HAVE LIFTED HEAVY THINGS, I HAVE PAID MY DUES AND CONTINUE TO WITH A SMILE THAT SOMETIMES HAS A DIFFICULTY TO FIND MY FACE... except I’ve done it my way...the only way I know how, through my music, through my art, through my life...through everyday trying to brighten someone else’s when at times it seems like I can’t even get out of bed.
I’ve realized that my discipline within what I do is the first and foremost thing I aim to please everyday and everynight. I don’t sleep if I haven’t completed something. I sat and I thought “ is this self-centered?” “ am I working hard only for vanity? only for what I love?” “ is this not working hard because I am within a family and within the means to make music for a living? to make art without much (struggle)?” and then the answer came as loud as the crisp air comes in the mornings in october to my cheeks.
“NO”
I listened closely to what my intuition was telling me... it said “ people who work hard to pay rent, to live, do it because they have to do it...” than I realized... music and art is not a choice for me , its something I have to do to survive. It is a daily struggle. I’m not sure if people who are not muscicians can understand this, but if they can relate it to how they survive maybe they could. I wake up everyday and if I dont sing or play , paint or write I can’t function. I can’t move. I mean this to the exact extremity I type it.
Living with Bi-polar disorder I can’t help the switches in my bodies chemicles hat occur radically. I have lived with fear everyday since I was young never knowing when I was going to drop down out of the blue for no reason at all and be completly depressed and unfunctional.I wore a viel of positivity through my highs hoping that it would make enough of an impression that once the depression hit and I stayed at home with no contact to those I knew they would simply think that I was busy, that everything was ok, that I had no major faults, that I wasn’t a “sick” person.
Thinking back on it now it was everything I am against, it was a lie, but my fear made me believe I was in-adequate, not good enough, or too falwed to be loved, accepted...after all being bi-polar is not rational . I didn’t know what rationality ever was so I would often times find myself unable to relate to those without manic depression and I didn’t know anyone with it...so my whole life I’ve felt a bit of an outcast, a bit alone.
I never knew how to commit because my emotions were fluctuating so much I never could really commit and follow through ..not because I was lousy at commitment, but because I simply was out of control of my ups and downs, of my thoughts and actions, and could not fix that. I always had pure intentions and things always collapsed around me and not knowing I had bi-polar I was always left in deep regret, guilt, and confusion , not knowing why I was the way I was, and why couldn’t I be “normal”.
My work is something I’ve had to do because somehow for some unknown reason to me its the only thing that kept me focused, kept me motivated, healed me in moments when I couldnt make sense of life. When my intuition spoke to me and said : “ You go through the process of writing music or painting a piece for you , when you preform and share this music it is for the ones who listen.” It made so much sense. For me, I could go on forever just for the process of writing, after a song is out of me I usually dont care for it ever again. Don’t care to play it or to record it. I realized that I play shows and I record songs for everyone who listens, so that somehow through my honesty they will feel something within themselves that hopefully touches them and heals them too. I realized I had to stop beating myself up on the stigma that because I was an artist and a fortunate blessed one at that ( my family, my financial situation) that it didn’t mean I didn’t work hard, or I wasn’t greatful or knew the meaning of what I had. It came fast and hard to realize that its’ ok to acknowledge my work and its ok to do what I do and to know that I am grounded, greatful, and giving back.
I know a lot of people who go through struggles with whats right , whats wrong, whats appropriate, whats not. What I’m comming to realize is that life is truly alike a circle. In the spiritual sense if we can relate things to one another and not try and place them into a pre-made box of thinking or doing that we will all start seeing what we do is something wonderful. I’m speaking for those who are perfectionists, or who never have felt good enough, or never no matter how hard they tried could figure out that fucking math equation, I’m also speaking to the 12 hour shifters , the hard labourers, the self-made men and women, or to those who have been told what they love will never get them anywhere. KEEP DOING WHAT YOU DO, KEEP DOING WHAT YOU LOVE, KEEP TELLING THOSE VOICES INSIDE YOUR HEAD THAT ARE TELLING YOU THAT YOUR SHIT TO SHUT UP, KEEP ON TRAVELLING THIS LIFE EVEN IF IT SEEMS YOU ARE ALONE. Because I know I’m not alone, I know I won’t stop, I know I’ve got a long way to go and a lot of things to work through, but I also know that no matter what I will never stop working hard for what I believe in.
