there are the good days and the bad ones...

there are the good days and the bad ones...
My whole life seemed to be weaved by these threads so drastically. I use to beat myself up because of not bieng able to control them. It’s funny my mom use to tell me “ Amanda, don’t worry it’s just life... it’s up and down and up and when you think you can’get get down it can happen and vise versa and the secret is not to beat yourself up about it but to move forward and know that if its a down you will get up again and to learn something from it.”
I use to think it was her way of saying “ I don’t know what to tell you so this is the best line I can come up with that suits any situation” The reality of it is that she was right. And to top it off it IS LIFE,and there are no ways about it bi-polar or not.

This past 2 days have been a low for me, and although I am use to unexpected ups and downs I guess I was nieve to think that because I was on mood stabalizing medication that I wouldn’t have to experience them again.. the lows I’m talking about are the ones that come for no reason at all...like waking up and wanting to cry every 2 seconds and feeling hopeless, in despair, alone etc. I was even told the first year is the hardest to adjust and there are also a lot of coping mechanisms I have to learn in order to adjust to my “knew way of thinking” now that my thought process has dramatically changed (for the good). I woke up 2 days ago with that same feeling I once had months previous to being treated, and today the fear hit me...” am I still the same way? was this a mistake? am I going to go back to that horrible pain that I couldn’t escape before? was I eluding to myself that I was getting better when in fact I’m the same?” blah blah blah blah... than I realized after taking a few deep breaths and talking to a good friend in los angeles on the phone that “no I am not going back there, no I did not elude anything...etc” this is just a road bump....this is just life.

This past little while things have really improved in my life, and as the law of the universe would have it things need to balance...alas, my reality. I must say it isn’t out of ordinary for me to be open about this stuff, but it is a new thing these days. I think I mentioned before how I feel very new very re-born and VERY confused. Bieng on medication that takes away my HIGH irrational highs and devestating LOWS is like being a different person. It’s like learing who I am again at 21. Which is scary. For a while , up until now my biggest fear was re-intergrating myself socially.. seeing old friends, family, etc. I thought to myself how can see these people who know me as what I was ( always overly upbeat, excited, outrageous) the same people who never saw me at my lows because I would hide in my home away from people away from any contact... how could I see them and have them not think I was depressed or different. Or would I not be good enough? exciting enough? maybe I was boring...maybe I am boring? hell I even feel boring to myself. I was afraid of trying to meet new people and get them to learn who i am when I don’t even know who I am yet. It’s a wierd predicament that I am still trying to figure out.

Today, I was suppose to play at the great hall for nuit blanche and I couldn’t bring myself to do it. It was that same fear that enabled my decision to not go. I can’t say I’m proud in one sense but in another I suppose I am...I suppose I am because I am finally allowing myself the time and space to heal and to figure things out and recognize my guilt and not beating mysef up for it. I am working through things as they come, instead of putting everything else first ( my expectations of myself, my perfectionism, my worrying just to please and than get burnt out in the end for twice as long as it took me to do whatever it was) I’m slowly learning. I’m learning that this ilness isn’t me but something I have. That concept is still something hard for my head to wrap around. In my nature I go to such extremes that it’s almost alien to me to say that sort of thing.

I guess why I am writing this is just to reflect, and to let you guys in on what I am going through so that perhaps you can relate it to your lives, or someone elses that you know that needs empathy or advice. I feel blessed and alone and loved and scared and at times hopeful and at other times vulnerable, strong, and still insecure ....things we ALL feel at times. I always need to share this stuff as much as it paints a very imperfect picture for me haha. I alike you am not and never will be perfect, and thats a beautiful thing. And all I can do is be honest always, honest through my art, honest through my music, honest to you. So as I’ve been told “ Keep your chin up” if you are dealing with anything right now...when you feel alone know I am there with you, and I know its terribly cheesy but I mean it, from my heart. After all I am just a girl in the country who plucks on a guitar and plays some piano that sits under the same starts you do everynight, probably dealing with the same things you are just in a different shade.

nite nite

Amanda

haute couture drivers tests

HORRAY I got my drivers test out of the way this morning...much to my procrastionation haha.
So turns out my sewing machine doesnt have a needle anymore which means these dresses I am making for next weeks photo shoot will truly be couture ( all done by hand) ...kill me...uhhhhh well it will be fun?... I'm using Christian Dior Couture as my inspiration. Vanessa and I are using juxtaposition as our concept for the title of the album : Tales of Ordinary Madness...taking everyday things and doing them in a very Outlandish way..which in reality pretty much sums up my personality... crazy dresses and heels while moving logs,,,or playing piano in a gown in the swamp just because it seemed like a great idea at the time.. should be hilarious. Can't wait for the shoot. Wish me luck with my sewing.

This saterday I will aslo be playing 3 acoustic songs at the Great Hall on Queen West and Dovercourt for the Blanche Nuit festivities...the party is appartently going on till 7 am! hopefully I'm on early because god knows it's way past my bedtime.

I have to go memorize songs and sew up a storm..more soon I promise

xo
Amanda

sept 23rd, 2007

...

I AM THE HAPPIEST WOMAN IN THE WORLD

Yesterday was a dream forming to reality for me. To have live horns and strings on this album is beyond a treat...The players were all so good and so so so nice. I am on cloud 9 right now. I can't express to you guys how much I feel this album has grown from the last..it's like a complete 360 forward. The songs I've writtren are mature, introspective, and done with patience, and ALL done from the heart. The arrangements are fine tuned and have that vintage 70's soul, blues,vintage vibe...with classical thrown in and horns to warm the songs....AHHHH! I'm so proud...and it's not eveen done yet and I NEVER say that. I am so blessed.

It's amazing the one thing I was petrified about going on medication for was that I didn't want to lose my creative edge... and altough it took me a while to notice this... it hasn't gone anywhere...in fact even though I am not hyper active and suuuuuuper exitable these days I have this calm sense of peace that allows me to fish through my river of thoughts and ideas and catch the right ones for supper to mold, cut, cook and create into beautiful works of art. It's such a new day for me and I am continually being re-affirmed I am on the right path.

I'll be back in the studio this week to start on the next two songs...we are doing them in pairs. Oh! also, my beautiful cousin Nikki was in the studio with me yesterday and took A LOT of video footage..so when I get a moment I will sort through it all and make up another dorky video.

Later this week I'll be having a photoshoot with the ever so increadible Vanessa Heins!! YAY there may be some piano's in swamps, outrageous outfits, crazy even dangerous shots....we shall see. Can you tell that dress-up was my favourite game to play as a kid...that and "lets-sing-every-disney-song-out-of-tune-on-the-can" hmmmmm I was an interesting child haha...speaking of here is a photo to last you till I get the others from the studio up...

smile! have a great day,
amanda

HUGE DORK

The sun is my favourite colour right now ...a warm cadmium orange, mixed with yellow ochre, and a dash of strawberry windsor newton ink...ahhhhh like my favourite dreams.The pine trees are snowing pine needles and the wind is brushing back and forth like strokes on a canvas. I woke up this morning with dry coughs haunting my evening, tossing me back and forth to the point of me finally getting up to just start my day:) It's amazing what a dash of oregano oil under the tounge can do for you!! I should wear it in a vile on my neak for christs sake,,"ok amanda don't go using the lords name in vain this early in the day" hehe...oh I'm bad.

So it was brought to my attention through various emails in response to my last post a.k.a.Nature Walk With Amanda that yes it is confirmed I am a HUGE DORK. This is something I have toyed wih in the past, perhaps I could go as far to say as it was my childhood bully phrase...and by that I mean when I was a wee lass gap-toothed, afro-haired, skin and bones, freckles,such pale skin it was almost translucent to the point where you could see rivers of my viens floating under my epidermis like a map I would get hassled on a lot in the school yard...and the bullies name of choice was : "YOUR SUCH A HUGE DORK!" or haha my other favourite "WHATS YOUR NAME?....a-MAN-DUHHHHHH!!!!!" oh lovely childhood recollections.

Today my very very very good friend : http://mangoepeeler.com/
( sorry I didn't(LINK) that...I'm on a pc right now and it wont let me use that application haha) is comming over to spend the day with me in the country. I'm so excited!! he is my favourite artist of all time and such a funny, down to earth, eccentric lad.

Which brings me to sunday! ohhhh how I wait for thee... I am back in the studio this time with : A VIOLINIST, A 3 PIECE HORN SECTION.. Seriously if I could describe to you the happiness this brings me I would...It's been my life long dream to have live strings and horns on my music...and it's finally all comming together. It just goes to show patience brings a lot into your life. Well , mine anyways..

O.K. I'm off to go eat some breakfast and sit outside listening to the crickets jump on the dew covered blades of grass...

more later
xo
amanda

come for a walk with me

O.k.! sooo today I'm still a bit under the weather...a.k.a " I'M HEALTHY! I'M HEALTHY!" hehe. I decided to make a quick little video for you all to take a walk with me through my backyard.I look like shit but the nature... It's truly beautiful...in fact I think I say the words " BEATIFUL" & "MAGICAL" 100, 000 times haha forgive me...my brain isn't sitting straight today.

Hope you guys are having a great start to your weekends,
Amanda
xo

I AM HEALTHY!

Its just past the afternoon and the air outside is warm...I went to the dentist this morning and to get blood work and back home I came to load up some logs for the winter. It's quite amazing actually just how excited I am this fall. In years previous I always was in fear of the winter at this point alike the times I was afread to go to sleep as a child incase of a nightmare.

I'm going into the studio again now on Sunday because this head cold is still sort of hanging on for dear life...BUT " I AM HEALTHY I AM HEALTHY" ...good mantra. Tonight I am going to work on some older songs to try and arrange them better for the sessions in Chicago. Seems like time has flied since I got back home. I am so happy to be right where I am instead of the hustle of L.A. streets. Clean air....ahhhh clean air.

chapter 1

vanessa heins amazing

Here are a few shots from the lovely and talented vanessa heins who came to shoot stuff even when she was exhausted and the lighting in the studio was horrible for photos...she is the only one who can pull it off!! I love her.

sniffle sniffle

woke up yesterday morning with a head cold ...reminds me I'm alive in a way...feeling my body react physically to things. It was funny every student I taught last night (music) had a cold. I keep telling myself "YOUR HEALTHY! YOUR HEALTHY!" hopefully that will help :) Lots of teas and oregano and echanacia!

Took the week off of the studio to get this sorted out! I spent the better part of the morning re-learning the drivers ed manual haha Whilst I was in L.A. my g2 expired...god help me. So now I must re memorize the " how many meters behind a school bus do you stop?" questions. It's kind of funny I feel like I'm 16 again in the sweaty classroom at Pickering College, hungry, listening to the buzz of the cieling fan more than my instructor.

I listened to some Ray Lamontagne this afternoon while outside on the porch. It's a stunning day out today, I love the fall. Everything seems to lift and breathe.

All my equipment is in the studio so I sat at my upright and played some songs I've been writing, you know when you get so blocked from an idea that you can't seem to get past it? That's where I'm at with this stuff....breathe....exhale I tell myself. I think I'm going to read a book today. It seems like the perfect day to delve into some old parchment and let my imagination and mind wander in this september air.

I hope you are all having a great day
amanda

greatful

so greatful... I look around me and realize how lucky I am. Surrounded by family that loves me, by people who believe in what I do, who understand where I'm at. It's such a beautiful thing....my cousin Nikki told me a quote this morning over tea that if you have too much stress, to many complaints, too many things you are afraid to delve deep into in fear, too many place or situations that you are avoiding than you need a change in perspective.

So the recording session the other night was lovely...very relaxed. I tracked only one new song and than after a failed attempt at getting the next one on the click track I took a break to mix and add other instruments for the first one we tracked the other night. The sound is wonderful, the producer Tony who I am working with is great, so patient, so encouraging. Vanessa came god bless her heart after a full day of shooting a wedding and took some photos which I will try and get up here soon.

This week I will be back in the studio for horn sections and strings. I'm putting together a little video to put in the blog...man I don't know how to use final cut pro...all a learning process haha. It may look ghetto as hell but I'll finish it soon for your eyes.

Everyone make yourself a day that will be remembered tommorow
xo
amanda

hard work

I’m not sure what it is. Be it the howling winds, the fresh cut wood, the time spent alone like a wolf contemplating so much. Is it the way I’ve started over ? the way I’ve lost so much and very very slowly gaining some back. I’m not sure.

I was never great at hard work. I’m not good with outdoor labour or with mathematics, or with twelve hour shifts. Iv’e never had to be. I grew up in a home where my dad is a self- made man and taught me about culture, about having the right attitude and about enjoying life. He always made sure he supported everything I did and always had a buck in my pocket, “just incase” he’d say.

I admire those who alike my dad work so hard to feed , clothe , gift, and care for thier families. I admire those who know the ethics of what hard work is. To me it’s all relative really. I consider myself a hard worker within my music, within my art, my discipline to my work. There were moments in life where I challenged myself to believe that because I wasn’t working long shifts through an establishment, or because I wasn’t lifting heavy things, sweating, muscles hurting I wasn’t amounting to much. Lately through recovery and therapy ( going inside, meditating, self-refleting) I’ve had a realization. I HAVE SWEAT, I HAVE HAD PAIN IN MY MUSCLES,..IN MY EMOTIONS, I HAVE WORKED LONG SHIFTS (SOMETIMES WEEKS ON END WITHOUT SLEEP) I HAVE LIFTED HEAVY THINGS, I HAVE PAID MY DUES AND CONTINUE TO WITH A SMILE THAT SOMETIMES HAS A DIFFICULTY TO FIND MY FACE... except I’ve done it my way...the only way I know how, through my music, through my art, through my life...through everyday trying to brighten someone else’s when at times it seems like I can’t even get out of bed.

I’ve realized that my discipline within what I do is the first and foremost thing I aim to please everyday and everynight. I don’t sleep if I haven’t completed something. I sat and I thought “ is this self-centered?” “ am I working hard only for vanity? only for what I love?” “ is this not working hard because I am within a family and within the means to make music for a living? to make art without much (struggle)?” and then the answer came as loud as the crisp air comes in the mornings in october to my cheeks.

“NO”

I listened closely to what my intuition was telling me... it said “ people who work hard to pay rent, to live, do it because they have to do it...” than I realized... music and art is not a choice for me , its something I have to do to survive. It is a daily struggle. I’m not sure if people who are not muscicians can understand this, but if they can relate it to how they survive maybe they could. I wake up everyday and if I dont sing or play , paint or write I can’t function. I can’t move. I mean this to the exact extremity I type it.

Living with Bi-polar disorder I can’t help the switches in my bodies chemicles hat occur radically. I have lived with fear everyday since I was young never knowing when I was going to drop down out of the blue for no reason at all and be completly depressed and unfunctional.I wore a viel of positivity through my highs hoping that it would make enough of an impression that once the depression hit and I stayed at home with no contact to those I knew they would simply think that I was busy, that everything was ok, that I had no major faults, that I wasn’t a “sick” person.

Thinking back on it now it was everything I am against, it was a lie, but my fear made me believe I was in-adequate, not good enough, or too falwed to be loved, accepted...after all being bi-polar is not rational . I didn’t know what rationality ever was so I would often times find myself unable to relate to those without manic depression and I didn’t know anyone with it...so my whole life I’ve felt a bit of an outcast, a bit alone.

I never knew how to commit because my emotions were fluctuating so much I never could really commit and follow through ..not because I was lousy at commitment, but because I simply was out of control of my ups and downs, of my thoughts and actions, and could not fix that. I always had pure intentions and things always collapsed around me and not knowing I had bi-polar I was always left in deep regret, guilt, and confusion , not knowing why I was the way I was, and why couldn’t I be “normal”.

My work is something I’ve had to do because somehow for some unknown reason to me its the only thing that kept me focused, kept me motivated, healed me in moments when I couldnt make sense of life. When my intuition spoke to me and said : “ You go through the process of writing music or painting a piece for you , when you preform and share this music it is for the ones who listen.” It made so much sense. For me, I could go on forever just for the process of writing, after a song is out of me I usually dont care for it ever again. Don’t care to play it or to record it. I realized that I play shows and I record songs for everyone who listens, so that somehow through my honesty they will feel something within themselves that hopefully touches them and heals them too. I realized I had to stop beating myself up on the stigma that because I was an artist and a fortunate blessed one at that ( my family, my financial situation) that it didn’t mean I didn’t work hard, or I wasn’t greatful or knew the meaning of what I had. It came fast and hard to realize that its’ ok to acknowledge my work and its ok to do what I do and to know that I am grounded, greatful, and giving back.

I know a lot of people who go through struggles with whats right , whats wrong, whats appropriate, whats not. What I’m comming to realize is that life is truly alike a circle. In the spiritual sense if we can relate things to one another and not try and place them into a pre-made box of thinking or doing that we will all start seeing what we do is something wonderful. I’m speaking for those who are perfectionists, or who never have felt good enough, or never no matter how hard they tried could figure out that fucking math equation, I’m also speaking to the 12 hour shifters , the hard labourers, the self-made men and women, or to those who have been told what they love will never get them anywhere. KEEP DOING WHAT YOU DO, KEEP DOING WHAT YOU LOVE, KEEP TELLING THOSE VOICES INSIDE YOUR HEAD THAT ARE TELLING YOU THAT YOUR SHIT TO SHUT UP, KEEP ON TRAVELLING THIS LIFE EVEN IF IT SEEMS YOU ARE ALONE. Because I know I’m not alone, I know I won’t stop, I know I’ve got a long way to go and a lot of things to work through, but I also know that no matter what I will never stop working hard for what I believe in.

day 1

Last night was full of rain storms, red skies and the beauty of WURLITZER antique. Tracked 4 songs, today 2 more this time in the studio with my beautiful friend/ photography queen Vanessa Heins.. : www.vanessaheins.com/blog she is brilliant. So bear with my crap images today and I'll have some pro ones comming soon... and yes in the first photo I am wearing a robe..its early in the morning, just outta bed.
love you
Amanda

You can never hold back spring

Time flutters by me and my emotions turn that crisp orange, bitter yellow, burning red, burnt brown. I feel as if I am growing older with the seasons. I've started to question why I can't get certain people, situations, memories out of my head. Or why by just a word, or a photo my whole body feels like its going up in flames that once warmed me from a cozy camp fire. I'm ashamed to face them and even more afraid to feel them..but that's all I do these days is feel what ever comes up. I don't know why I can't let go. There are moments in time that I wonder if certain experiences, relationships, conversations, events, actions etc. were too fast, too early. Or is that just life and something to accept and let go adrift, to alike my emotions find thier winter and die. Is Tom Waits right when he says " You can never hold back spring" ? I guess I'll find out.

It's been 3 months on medication now and life is like looking through another persons eyes. Things are so different. I wish I had a manual that came along with the perscription that said : " This is how you should think, this is how you should feel, this is how you should problem solve, this is how you should operate this new mind" I'm scared shitless like a newborn in a 21 year olds body who has commitments, and deadlines, and pressures, and obligations...and yet I have this new sense of peace that I have never felt, a new stillness.

I've been writing for this new record, recording, and re-learning who I am all at the same time. Whilst this seems like a lot , put into perspective with everyone else's daily struggles I am merely just one blip on the map. I suppose it's all relative though. I have to do what I have to do right now , within this moment. I'm learning how to be in solitude without any stimulants but the earth under my feet and the country air in my lungs. I'm learning rationality for the first time in my life, and how to commit, man I suck at commitment.ha. All these realizations are devestating, humbling, and a blessing to say the least. It truly is the key to all of life to say " To begin to grasp everything is to know that you know nothing." These songs breathe a new depth. I hope they read honesty for you guys, thats all I hope for.

I go into the studio tommorow in toronto to track 6 new songs, and than to chicago and new york to track some more this winter. I'll keep things updated as much as I can. I rarley make time for emails, myspace, facebook etc. etc. etc. etc. I created this thing because people were asking me why I haven't responded yet and what I've been up to in seclusion all this time. So in other words this is my plea to try and sway you guys away from thinking I'm some hermit up in swamp country. Bare with me here, I'm just human.