there are the good days and the bad ones...

there are the good days and the bad ones...
My whole life seemed to be weaved by these threads so drastically. I use to beat myself up because of not bieng able to control them. It’s funny my mom use to tell me “ Amanda, don’t worry it’s just life... it’s up and down and up and when you think you can’get get down it can happen and vise versa and the secret is not to beat yourself up about it but to move forward and know that if its a down you will get up again and to learn something from it.”
I use to think it was her way of saying “ I don’t know what to tell you so this is the best line I can come up with that suits any situation” The reality of it is that she was right. And to top it off it IS LIFE,and there are no ways about it bi-polar or not.

This past 2 days have been a low for me, and although I am use to unexpected ups and downs I guess I was nieve to think that because I was on mood stabalizing medication that I wouldn’t have to experience them again.. the lows I’m talking about are the ones that come for no reason at all...like waking up and wanting to cry every 2 seconds and feeling hopeless, in despair, alone etc. I was even told the first year is the hardest to adjust and there are also a lot of coping mechanisms I have to learn in order to adjust to my “knew way of thinking” now that my thought process has dramatically changed (for the good). I woke up 2 days ago with that same feeling I once had months previous to being treated, and today the fear hit me...” am I still the same way? was this a mistake? am I going to go back to that horrible pain that I couldn’t escape before? was I eluding to myself that I was getting better when in fact I’m the same?” blah blah blah blah... than I realized after taking a few deep breaths and talking to a good friend in los angeles on the phone that “no I am not going back there, no I did not elude anything...etc” this is just a road bump....this is just life.

This past little while things have really improved in my life, and as the law of the universe would have it things need to balance...alas, my reality. I must say it isn’t out of ordinary for me to be open about this stuff, but it is a new thing these days. I think I mentioned before how I feel very new very re-born and VERY confused. Bieng on medication that takes away my HIGH irrational highs and devestating LOWS is like being a different person. It’s like learing who I am again at 21. Which is scary. For a while , up until now my biggest fear was re-intergrating myself socially.. seeing old friends, family, etc. I thought to myself how can see these people who know me as what I was ( always overly upbeat, excited, outrageous) the same people who never saw me at my lows because I would hide in my home away from people away from any contact... how could I see them and have them not think I was depressed or different. Or would I not be good enough? exciting enough? maybe I was boring...maybe I am boring? hell I even feel boring to myself. I was afraid of trying to meet new people and get them to learn who i am when I don’t even know who I am yet. It’s a wierd predicament that I am still trying to figure out.

Today, I was suppose to play at the great hall for nuit blanche and I couldn’t bring myself to do it. It was that same fear that enabled my decision to not go. I can’t say I’m proud in one sense but in another I suppose I am...I suppose I am because I am finally allowing myself the time and space to heal and to figure things out and recognize my guilt and not beating mysef up for it. I am working through things as they come, instead of putting everything else first ( my expectations of myself, my perfectionism, my worrying just to please and than get burnt out in the end for twice as long as it took me to do whatever it was) I’m slowly learning. I’m learning that this ilness isn’t me but something I have. That concept is still something hard for my head to wrap around. In my nature I go to such extremes that it’s almost alien to me to say that sort of thing.

I guess why I am writing this is just to reflect, and to let you guys in on what I am going through so that perhaps you can relate it to your lives, or someone elses that you know that needs empathy or advice. I feel blessed and alone and loved and scared and at times hopeful and at other times vulnerable, strong, and still insecure ....things we ALL feel at times. I always need to share this stuff as much as it paints a very imperfect picture for me haha. I alike you am not and never will be perfect, and thats a beautiful thing. And all I can do is be honest always, honest through my art, honest through my music, honest to you. So as I’ve been told “ Keep your chin up” if you are dealing with anything right now...when you feel alone know I am there with you, and I know its terribly cheesy but I mean it, from my heart. After all I am just a girl in the country who plucks on a guitar and plays some piano that sits under the same starts you do everynight, probably dealing with the same things you are just in a different shade.

nite nite

Amanda