no artist is pleased...

This past week I felt a block in my heart...i couldn't find a melody. I was so pre-occiupied with things out of my control, those things that cause anxiety and heartache. I don't know what day it was last week but I started listening to a few of my favourite artists...like really listening...taking a few hours a day and digesting, analyzing, picking apart what in these songs made my soul move... I found after a few days of this I was so overwhelmed, so overstimulated that I couldn't find a melody or worth for my work. I was so in awe of these other artists that I started to question my own music and whether or not I could ever stand beside these people. Its a scary thing to have this happen... I than went into it deeper and though about my career...my idols...non of them were females...none of them sounded like I did. I sort of froze and said to myself " I hope I dont sound like the rest of those singer/songwriter/folk/ women that I hate, or I thought... why aside from old blues women( even then I dont have one favourite who stick out to me) do I have NOT one female musician/songwriter I admire? like really admire,,talking like how I admire Tom Waits... I questioned and questioned and questioned..and well yea you get the idea.

I had to talk it out with friends, mentors, fellow musicians.. I got the answer I was looking for in the end, but that's not what matters. What I realized is underneath it all...what drove the whole dialog was my fear for wanting to find value in what I create...my fear of " what if this is not good enough?" or " what makes something good enough?" and than I whispered into the air " tell me the answer" and literally not even a moment later I recalled an old poem that one of my guitar proffessors gave me last year in school...I kept in taped to the inside of one of my acoustic cases...I ran downstairs to my furnace room and within the hum of the heater that filled the space I sat in I read it aloud to myself...

There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening
That is translated through you into action
If you block it
It will never exist through any other medium
And be lost
The world will not have it
It is not your business to determine how good it is
Not how valuable it is
Not how it compares with other expressions
It is your business to keep it yours, clearly and directly
To keep the channel open
You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work
You have to keep open and aware directly
To the urges that motivate you
Keep the channel open
No artist is pleased
There is no satisfaction whatever at any time
There is only a queer, driving dissatisfaction
A blessed unrest that keeps us marching
And makes us more alive than the others

Martha Graham to Agnes DeMille

apple trees

Its hard to think that just a month ago I was sitting in an apple orchard down my street with vanessa in the warm sun. Today I awoke to frost and snow on my porch...Oh the passing of time ! what a glorious thing.

Many updates:

1) I'm applying for a factor grant to complete the whole album...yes, I couldn't just do the three songs as planned...it just seemed like writing 3 chapters of a book that you are really excited about and than putting it away for who knows how many months waiting on a publisher to grab it up and give you the go...guess I was never good at stopping the creative flow when it's there! and also , that no matter how hard I try I am such an independant person that it makes no wonder with my creativity I would be anything but and independant artist. Never let the thoughts of doing something yourself and all the work involved scare or overwhelm you...in the end because of all the hard work it will pay off.

2) My website is bieng re-done by the lovely Jess Baumung photographer and design extrordionare. so excited...should be up by the 30th!!!

3) I'm planning an album fundraiser where I will be auctioning off my artwork to raise funds to get the equipment I'll need for preformances/recording... I've fallen in love with a country gentelman... G6122-1962 .. I always was a sucker for an aged southern accent haha more on this event soon.

4) I re discovered my love for Canadian talent I'm so proud to be Canadian.

Music I'm Listening to:

* Bruce Springsteen the Seeger Sessions

*David Francey

*William Elliot Whitmore

*Lightin' Hopkins

*Ray Lamontagne

AND OF COURSE...

*sir TOM WAITS

smile

So this past week has been sort of dreamy.
I went to see the ballet : Anastasia ... I'm kind of in love with theatre of any sort. I use to be in musicals and had this family tradition to travel to Stratford ever year in September to watch the musicals and bump around the small town markets. Kind of nostalgic.

Than Spencer from Attack in Black came all the way from Welland a few hours to come play and sing on the song "Matthew".We had corresponded through e-mails for about a month while he was on tour with the band. Finally when he had a moment we booked in the studio time...He arrived at my house, mandolin at hand. I swear to god I don't think I have laughed so damn hard in my life. It seemed from the moment he arrived to the moment we left the studio I had a smile on my face. He is one of the most modest and talented & sweetest people I am privileged to know. His band is playing soon in Toronto...you should all go.serious.

Than yesterday the band Said the Whale stopped by my house with
Vanessa To say hi and play some songs for me... we had a warm and beautiful jam session. They were in Toronto to play play a youtube launch party. They than took some wonderful new promo shots to add their newest member Laura, who is a doll. This band as well is made up of the most brilliant songwriters.Ben and I sat afterwards and shared good conversation over a cigar and Tom Waits playing in the background...snow falling...it was perfect.


Sigh... more news soon.
xo
amanda

in the garden of a soldier

I decided to record an acoustic version of a song for the upcomming album...hope you enjoy

In the garden of a soldier


I always believed,
that mistakes made you stronger,
in that case I should be a 10 pound boulder,
riding along, riding along.
Feeling the weight of your song,
how can I still hear it?
when a rock has no ears?
Is there more to love,
than little sayings make clear? make clear?

Cuz I’m just another monument,
In the garden of a soldier,
Just another statue,
that gets older and older.
(X2)

This can’t be over,
Will I ever touch those lips again?
Would you spit at the taste,
of rock, sut and tin?
darling I love you, I love you.
no telling when its gonna end,
By the time it comes I may be,
Like a fossil in the sin we call life, we call life.

Cuz I’m just another monument,
In the garden of a soldier,
Just another statue,
that gets older and older.
(X2)

*musical interlude*

Cuz I’m just another monument,
In the garden of a soldier,
Just another statue,
that gets older and older.
(X2)

fall stamps

I am staring at a yellow tree that looks like a million and one fall stamps that mirror those I have been licking to put on letters lately. I must say this fall has been one of the best i have had in a long time.... acuratly I'd say since I was 12. Its a brilliant feeling to be moving forward healthier and happier than ever. I have been like a hermit in my studios ( art & music) tediously preparing for the spring of my releases. Things are moving slowly and exactly the way I want them to. I'm blessed that I am at a stage in my life that I can have the benefit of time to guide the quality of work I am producing.

Every new step I take with this album has been fufilling, full of learning, and so much creative flow. I feel as if I am crafting the perfect poem...short and sweet in it's lines except every word was as if it were a dollar and I had a limited amount to spend to buy the perfect birthday gift for my newborn child.

Today I am getting a new tattoo...more on that later.

Also, I am back in the studio for some grunt work sorting out drum tracks that we laid down last week. Later in the week I will be tracking the final song for this EP/DEMO. I don't think I mentioned this but I have decided to track 3 songs get them mixed and mastered and pitch them to favourable labels. Whilst doing so getting my official touring band together and start rehursals and arrangements. I am so excited for this winter. Trips showcasing to toronto , new york, L.A. Everything is right on time.

I miss your faces as I preform..soon enough I will be on stage, time and patience :) it will be worth it.

xoxo
amanda

Riegn Over Me

mother nature seemed to of gave the trees a big lecture in the mail letting them know she was bustling into town because it seemed as if overnight all of the leaves simultaneously screamed " SHIT WE'RE LATE!! WE'RE LATE!!!!" and got the (excuse my language) fuck off the branches.

Ah the beauty of the fall...

So I didn't really touch base about my birthday this past week. I thought I would share some shots taken by a lovely guest. Janna and I share the same birthdate and so decided to have a little get together with a tarot card reader ( my friend George from when I worked at the Orange Record Label in Toronto) to ive all the guests a reading. They forced me to play a song, and we drank sangria...smoked cigars...well I did that part...and laughed .... ALOT...thanks to janna's friend Jesi who is the most hilarious person ever... she is an amazing artist.... as is Janna:
Jessi's website
Janna's website
p.s. thanks to Jaymie for her help on making links in this blog !!

I am having a photoshoot with Vanessa again this week!!! so excited. I will post back soon...

p.p.s an amazing movie: Riegn Over Me

xoxoxox

attack in black /22 years

22 years, 22 years,
I've walked this earth, this time , for 22 years.
Doesn't seem like a lot when you look at the digits but man sometimes I feel 122...in all ways good and bad.
I love growing older, you get wiser, you get a new start it seems....its like that whole birthday day is like the page in the back of the book right close to the weaved binding and back carboard spine...it closes shut and somehow your get your hands on a new one and that one pryes open always with intruege, mystery, and excitment for what this new book has to teach you, to unfold, to paint beautiful picutres of. sigh.

I will be back into the recording studio on tuesday night for a long mixing session for both
*Matthew
and
* Don't want to keep you from heaven too long.
The drums are now all layed down and there is a bunch of work ahead now to get it sounding proper.
ALSO!!!! Exciting news, One of my favourite bands ATTACK IN BLACK will be putting thier mark on my record very very soon. Spencer who is increadibly talented ( he is more humble about it) has agreed to place some mandolin on those two tracks. I am so stoked. I really want people who I admire to contribute thier energy and emotions into my music. I love music for that very reason,,, it brings people together.

SO I will have updates on that and pictures soon.

Everyone have a great weekend!!!
xo
amanda