You can never hold back spring

Time flutters by me and my emotions turn that crisp orange, bitter yellow, burning red, burnt brown. I feel as if I am growing older with the seasons. I've started to question why I can't get certain people, situations, memories out of my head. Or why by just a word, or a photo my whole body feels like its going up in flames that once warmed me from a cozy camp fire. I'm ashamed to face them and even more afraid to feel them..but that's all I do these days is feel what ever comes up. I don't know why I can't let go. There are moments in time that I wonder if certain experiences, relationships, conversations, events, actions etc. were too fast, too early. Or is that just life and something to accept and let go adrift, to alike my emotions find thier winter and die. Is Tom Waits right when he says " You can never hold back spring" ? I guess I'll find out.

It's been 3 months on medication now and life is like looking through another persons eyes. Things are so different. I wish I had a manual that came along with the perscription that said : " This is how you should think, this is how you should feel, this is how you should problem solve, this is how you should operate this new mind" I'm scared shitless like a newborn in a 21 year olds body who has commitments, and deadlines, and pressures, and obligations...and yet I have this new sense of peace that I have never felt, a new stillness.

I've been writing for this new record, recording, and re-learning who I am all at the same time. Whilst this seems like a lot , put into perspective with everyone else's daily struggles I am merely just one blip on the map. I suppose it's all relative though. I have to do what I have to do right now , within this moment. I'm learning how to be in solitude without any stimulants but the earth under my feet and the country air in my lungs. I'm learning rationality for the first time in my life, and how to commit, man I suck at commitment.ha. All these realizations are devestating, humbling, and a blessing to say the least. It truly is the key to all of life to say " To begin to grasp everything is to know that you know nothing." These songs breathe a new depth. I hope they read honesty for you guys, thats all I hope for.

I go into the studio tommorow in toronto to track 6 new songs, and than to chicago and new york to track some more this winter. I'll keep things updated as much as I can. I rarley make time for emails, myspace, facebook etc. etc. etc. etc. I created this thing because people were asking me why I haven't responded yet and what I've been up to in seclusion all this time. So in other words this is my plea to try and sway you guys away from thinking I'm some hermit up in swamp country. Bare with me here, I'm just human.